“Lindsay’s back” said Samantha, my hair stylist of ten+ years as she was blow drying the bangs I’ve been trying to grow out for God knows how long… To be honest my relationship with her has lasted longer than most of my jobs, friendships, and every single romantic relationship. She knows more about me and my life than probably some of my friends. When she said that, it hit me.
Life is a whirlwind, the only constant is change, the unexpected happens and you’re never ready for it when it does. Time doesn’t stand still, the world continues on no matter what you’re feeling or going through with or without people in your life. I’m evolving everyday.
Reflecting on the past decade, many things have happened, extraordinary experiences, memories with people I love, successes, failures, losses, and heartbreaks in so many different ways. I’m sitting here with Oreo and Bellatrix, finishing a post I started December 4th, 2019, after my hair appointment when I realized I’d begun to embrace change rather than fear it.
I originally started this post to talk about how I finally felt like myself again, I’m happy, I’m strong, I’ve overcome and am overcoming struggles. I’m working to be the person I want to be and I count my wins instead of obsessing over my failures. I am grateful for the things I have rather than stress about what I don’t. I’m on my own timeline and don’t compare myself to other people, God has a different path for everyone. The hard parts in my life have made me strong. I’m healthy. I’m starting to be that optimistic, bubbly, happy person I was. I’ll never be the same, I’ve bloomed. Like a flower blooms.
There’s nothing more painful than losing yourself or more beautiful than beginning to find yourself again. However, I don’t like the terms “losing myself” or “finding myself”. my thoughts on the matter a very well summed up by a quote from Ms. Emily McDowell; “Finding yourself” is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. “Finding yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.”
I never truly lost myself. I was stuck in what I thought I should be, what I thought the world wanted me to be. The unrealistic expectations I set for myself and not met, I’m a planner and I never expected the roadblocks on the way to my goals. I had to learn to readjust my way of thinking. To realize that to get what I need and want to become, I just find a different path. A setback is a yield sign or a detour, not a dead end. I’m a completely different person today than I was in 2009, 2018, the beginning of this year, or even 25 days ago when I started this post. I hit another roadblock this month. But patience and time are the key to any battle.
I’m staring at a bracelet on my left wrist, it’s delicate, simple, one charm. A star. On the back of that star it’s engraved with “shine bright”. My grandmother sent my aunt out to go purchase my cousin and I matching bracelets before Christmas. She saw it and immediately thought of us because we were her stars and she wanted us to always have that message if we needed it. It was the last gift my grandmother gave me.
Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love. I’m lucky to have be loved and been loved by so many people. Some of which I have had to deeply grieve over. However, I will never let tears mar the smiles and memories that they gave me when they were alive. None of them wanted me to be upset, they all wanted to be celebrated. They live on every day through me and always will.
Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but openings where loved ones can let us know they are happy.
Ring in the new decade shining bright. Happy New Year!
Until next time, cheers. 🥂🍾
Coffee, Cats, & Champagne 