Chasing dreams one stride at a time

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I ran half marathons and challenges eight years ago but work and life got in the way. I picked up Pure Barre, got into some cycling to stay active.

I started running again to help me sleep better and ease anxiety. I have an emotionally draining nonstop career as many do. When I began again, I my goal was to finish one mile in our neighborhood. Then a few weeks later I bumped it to two, a week after that I wanted to run 30 minutes straight, Once comfortable with that, a 5k. Now I’m at five miles a day four to five days a week.

I told myself that I wasn’t 16 or 21 anymore. I would go slow and steady to be sustainable, pace and distance would come with time. The worst think would be to push too hard too soon and hurt myself.

I also run because nobody can take it away from me. I do it for me. Only me.It’s my therapy. If I’m on the treadmill I can put music or a guilty pleasure tv show such as Gossip Girl on. I’ll think of how proud I am that I have a body that is able to do this and that I know I’m getting stronger. When I run outside I have a beautiful view. We live in a beautiful neighborhood with many lakes and beaches and it’s very peaceful and mind clearing.

The funny thing is, I hate the idea of running or starting to run. I know it’s committing to the time, and I’m going to be hot and sweaty. By running I feel complete, accomplished, and can process things.

Yesterday, I ran my first race since 2018. I dragged my mom out, she initially said ‘absolutely not” but I told her there was free wine if she finished. She relented. It was a 5k. Just to get back into the game. it was more difficult than I thought. Especially, since I do more mileage in my courses at home.

The constant elevation changes and the course were killers (there was no where flat) and where I typically run is very hilly. This course was through a vineyard, in and out of the vines, the grounds are beautiful. It is not the most stable footing, and the turns were very tight. I didn’t meet my PR, but I also last ran an official 5k at 24. I finished, I ran the whole time even though there were a period or two I wanted to walk for a minute. I talked to God, I thanked him for the ability to do what I was doing, and how far I’ve come. I continued to push myself on and have the determination the thoughts that were going through my head of “I’m doing this babe, keep going, you can do anything for ten more minutes, it’s hard but you’re stronger. You’ve overcome bigger things, it’s just for today”.

I started running again in mid April. I didn’t plan to place, knew I wasn’t. I finished fourth for my gender age group (one away from placing but it’s alright), 16th in my gender, and 34th overall out of over 200+ participants. That’s something I’m going to be proud of. T got up early to drive out the hour and a half to the course to watch me cross the finish line.

At the end, I was planning my next race, will also probably do the same 5k next year. There’s a national park near where we live that has challenging elevation running trails to get better and be stronger. Pace will come with time. Not giving up and being consistent is what matters. I’m only competing with myself. I’m showing up for myself. I’m signed up for more races in the next few months. My goal is to do another half marathon within the next year.

Cardio is great, but it’s also important to balance workouts. On days that I choose to not run (like today to give my legs a rest) I do weights at the gym and take barre classes. Rest and stretching is incredibly important even though often times looked over due to busy lives. Listening to your body is imperative. At the end of the day if you don’t have your health you don’t have anything.

I think making an espresso and sitting on our back patio this morning to enjoy the beautiful weather is what I’ll do first on this Sunday morning.☕️

Until next time, cheers🥂🍾

“If you want a rainbow, you have to put up with the rain” Dolly Parton

life1 Comment

I suck at following through on keeping up with writing. Man, has a lot happened since my last post. I took a break from the blog for a while because, well, life. Recently, I’ve been running a lot and it makes me think and process things which leads to posts.

Two years ago seems a lifetime ago, but to be fair, with Covid I feel as though I lost two years of my life.

I got married. We had a beautiful wedding and just celebrated our first anniversary. I turned thirty, flirty, and fabulous (well, +1 now) I changed jobs. I bought designer heels. #idoinjimmycho

I picked up running again (obviously) and go ballroom dancing with my husband. I dealt with the dishwasher man coming to my house nine times until our warranty would replace the stupid thing. In case anyone was wondering, a window of 10-6 is obnoxious. I would lose my job if I told my boss, “sure I’ll work this sometime in six hours, maybe I’ll cancel at 5:30 and do it tomorrow. Might decide to go to Starbucks. I’ll text you.”

Tyler and I have been married for a year and a few days now. Marriage can be difficult at times, but, it’s the best thing in the world to have a supportive partner who you don’t have to hide parts of yourself from. How someone makes you feel is more important than what someone says. We make sure to go on dates together and actively listen and communicate to be better to each other everyday. It’s not always 50/50. Sometimes he gives 95% and I give 5% or vice versa and change the percentages. We’re not perfect, I’m not ignorant and believe after one year I have it “figured out”. I don’t. We still have to evolve and work hard to maintain a work life balance and a happy and faith based relationship. There’s never going to be a day that I will have it “figured out”. Life has ups and downs; different directions are thrown at you on daily bases in every aspect of your life: family, work, friend, health, possibly children (if that applies to you) or appliances.

Anxiety and gratitude can’t dwell in a person at the same time. My road hasn’t been easy. I may be bubbly but sometimes I’m down. Social media is presenting the best of peoples lives but not their problems and comparison is the thief of joy. I rarely check my Facebook or Insta. I’ve had my setbacks and things that taught me hard, difficult lessons. I wouldn’t change them. I needed them. Everything I went through I am because of that bad day, job, relationship (add whatever fits for you). Behind every strong person there’s a story that gave them no choice. There’s a reason though. My faith tells me that even when I don’t see it what happens is meant to be and there is a plan.

There are so many things I thought I would never get over or through but I did because my God had me go through that trial to find something better. That’s how I received the many things I’m so very grateful for. It’s due to the days and nights that I thought would never end. It’s important to remember that you’re more than likely living some of your answered prayers even when you’re praying for the next one. There’s a past version of you that’s so proud of where you’ve come.

What it took for me to be truly happy was saying I’m not going to suffer in my present because of my past. My past doesn’t define me. Not anymore.

Does that mean I don’t still have feelings, emotions, hurt, unresolved trauma? I’m human, I’m not perfect. I never will be. Never claimed to be. I’ll have bad days, weeks, and times. I’ll be ecstatic at times, or depressed. That’s being a person. But I try to remember when I am down, God knows you’re tired, he knows you’re maybe figuring out who you are, and that you’re trying. Put him first and trust him. He will make a way.

Find your circle, find your people. Find the ones you can hold onto. True friends are the people who won’t make your problems go away, they’re the ones who won’t disappear when you’re facing problems. I keep my circle small and close.

If you’re still reading this at this point, just remember wherever you are in life, you are the greatest project you are working on. Restart, refocus, as many times as you need to. Just don’t give up.

I never thought I would be more physically fit in my thirties than my twenties. I never thought I’d have such close ties with so many great people or people I could call and would drop anything to help, at the same time I would reciprocate. I never thought I’d be truly loved by someone and love them back. I also still have so much to learn about life it’s not even funny. It’s truly not fair that I am considered an adult when a lot of times I look for the adultier adult and find out it’s me. 😂

Life is nothing but choices, every choice has a butterfly effect to you and other people. In life you throw a rock in a pond and watch the ripples.

At the end of the day, dance in the kitchen either by yourself, with your cat (don’t judge), or with the one you love.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.”—Robert Frost.

Enough rambling for tonight, I’m going to go to bed and get up ridiculously early to go run a race because I’m psychotic.

Until next time, cheers🥂🍾

6.3.2023 photo by Amanda Somerville Photography
A year later 6.3.2024

The best proof of love is trust

Relationships1 Comment

Tyler proposed in Magic Kingdom, a year ago today and it was magical. Just before the fireworks, with a hand carved box in front of the Walt Disney and Mickey statue in front of Cinderella Castle. He planned the whole thing out and put thought into the ring. It was gorgeous, vintage inspired, delicate, with elegant side details the most amazing diamond nestled between two perfect sapphires. An ode to the first piece of jewelry he got me on our first anniversary; a cross pendant with cz and lab sapphire. My favorite gem stone is the sapphire. It’s my mom and my aunt’s birthstone. My moms wedding ring is a sapphire and diamond band. We spent the rest of our first vacation in two years celebrating.

I knew with our jobs and my history in the industry that I couldn’t, no slash that, wouldn’t plan my own wedding. It’s too expensive, too emotional, everyone has an opinion and it’s so much better to have someone who is not as invested financially and emotionally to tell you when you’re being nuts. I also thought it’d be better if Tyler and our families still liked me by the time I walked down the aisle. I’m going to be honest, wedding planning is stressful, and I know what to do! I got a degree in event planning. I ran events and weddings. I can’t imagine the process as bride who doesn’t have experience in the industry. Everything is so overwhelming beginning with the budget to your guest list.

So we met with wedding planners and we found Cheyenne of Sweet Oak Events. She is perfect and the best person, I could have asked for to help us through the stressful process of planning a wedding. She does both planning and design, she’s the absolute sweetest and amazing and we trust her input for basically everything. She has similar values to us, and Tyler and I both felt she understood us as a couple and our vision.

In fact, both Tyler and my jobs are so demanding that when we were looking at one a day vendors (i.e. photographers, videographers, makeup artists etc.), there were times that I just texted her “Who do you think would be best for us, who would you hire?”. She would then send me in depth explanations of each vendor and we would tell her “xyz sounds awesome, lets talk with them then tell me where to sign and who to pay.” She has not steered us wrong. We’re now In the design phase of wedding planning and I’m so excited to have our design meeting in a few weeks! We still have seven months until the wedding but we both have comfort knowing Cheyenne is on our “dream team”.

We met with several photographers recommended by Cheyenne before we decided on Amanda of Amanda Somerville Photography. We decided on Amanda for several different reasons and we researched her portfolio and her vibe was what we were looking for. We wanted a fun, colorful, vintage, hype girl, with similar views to us. Someone who made us feel comfortable and allowed us to have fun.

Tyler and I had our engagement photos in September. I freaked about my outfits even though I had reassurance from my Matron of Honor, Cheyenne, and Amanda. Tyler freaked out because he hates to get his picture taken. We were nervous about getting these important photos done because to be honest, I have not had professional photos done since my senior year of high school. Thats been a hot minute in case you were wondering.

Other than picking out outfits, we also had to pick an engagement photo location. We’re getting married in a different state than where we live in, albeit it is close enough for us to drive. We wanted something that still represented us. We found an arboretum near our wedding venue and decided to go there. Tyler and I spend a lot of our dates going to botanical gardens and love looking at the beauty so we thought it would be fitting for us, plus we hoped the colors in the garden would pop. Amanda worked with us and agreed to the location even though it was also a drive for her.

We got up at 5 AM to drive to the engagement shoot. We got coffee, and listened to podcast on the drive down. When the sunrised I did my make-up in the car (I wasn’t driving). I was so proud that I did my make-up in a moving car! We met Amanda anxiously at our photoshoot location and she was awesome! It started out a little bit awkward because Tyler and I didn’t know what we were doing but Amanda made it so much fun. The three of us explored the garden, took the photos, talked, laughed, and everything was natural. She made me feel like an old hollywood beauty in my vintage inspired dress and mother’s pearls and the “Shine Bright” bracelet my grandmother picked out before she passed. She had Tyler feeling like a handsome prince proud to be by me. We were able to be ourselves which is so important in someone with someone who is shooting life’s major moments. I’ve seen so many couples who were so awkward with their photographer and I was so happy that we had someone who knew what she was doing, was creative, talked with us and got to know us as a couple. Bonus points that she also shoots film! Most photographers are digital only, but Amanda does both; because just like my love of old-fashioned feels and vintage clothing she feels like nothing can replace the feel of film. That what the photographs of my parents and grandparents were shot on and I love that.

When Tyler and I got engaged I wasn’t expecting make two new friends, but life works out how it’s supposed to. I look forward to working with Cheyenne over the next seven months and probably for other events in our future. With Amanda, I can’t wait until my bridal portraits and wedding day. I hope to hire her again for future photos after our wedding. I also can’t wait until our families and my girls meet these two wonderful ladies. I think they’re both going to help make our day amazing!

Until next time, cheers🥂🍾

All credits go to Amanda Somerville Photography

Thoughts over a cup of coffee

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I’ve trained my body, but more importantly I accidentally trained the cats (it’s not that hard, we have four now) to wake up between five to six AM. This is great Monday through Friday, however, today is Saturday morning. I attempted to fall back asleep for two more hours until I gave up and gave in to Bellatrix’s meowing downstairs and Oreo patting me on the head.

It makes me smile whenever I go down the stairs because Oreo and Luna Lovegood race to beat me down. After I danced around all the felines to feed them, I made a cup of coffee. This is something I don’t normally do anymore. Since we bought the house, Tyler has adjusted to my schedule. But last night he stayed up to play Overwatch 2 with his friends. He usually makes my coffee and brings it up to me in bed.

I didn’t want to wake him up because to be honest he deserves to sleep in. Between both of our demanding jobs, moving in without taking a day off, and wedding planning it’s been a-lot. I’m writing this post as I’m drinking my coffee on the couch and seriously debating eating a cupcake left over from our Halloween party for breakfast. I’ll be 30 in March, but my mom isn’t here to reprimand me. To be honest, if I didn’t have to fit in the most expensive dress of my life in seven months, I would eat it for breakfast.

I’ve come a long way in the past few years. It wasn’t easy, I had a plan that didn’t workout. Covid happened. Life through curveballs but I sacrificed, built a nest-egg and as cliché as it is, I found what I was looking for when I stopped looking. In fact, I actually told my father I’d be back in an hour because I was just going on another first date with some guy. Same thing happened with our house. Due to the market, we put offers in for months and were outbid almost $100k on some houses and other people were waiving all contingencies. We decided to give up and wait out the market. Two days later, I stumbled upon a listing and our offer was accepted. We actually ended up with equity in the house at closing.

First house-warming gift hand painted by one of our good F.R.I.E.N.D.S. who helped us move in

My life didn’t workout the way I thought it would in high-school or college or 25. But it worked out the way it was supposed to. God has a plan even if it doesn’t seem like it at certain times. But there’s a reason for every heartache, disappointment, and set-back. It sucked at the time, however, I’m happier than I could ever imagine and those roads led me here.

Unfortunately, I’ve lost a lot of great people in my life. I’ve lost most of my grandparents. I think about them every day. The first thing to go on the wall of our home was a cross-stitch made by my paternal grandmother for my mother. I have pictures of my family at my desk in my home office where I spend a majority of my week. One thing that hasn’t changed is I’m still an overachieving workaholic and when I’m having a bad day it cheers me up to look at their photos.

I’m lucky to have the best support system I could ask for. Some of my friendships are 15+ years. My best friend and I text everyday. My dad may have thrown a party when I moved out, but he would do anything for me. Mom was a role model before I even knew what that was. My Aunt is an extroverted personal cheerleader who almost always sees me through rose colored glasses. Papa is one of the most intelligent people I’ve met and probably the only person who reads my blog. Further more, my future in-laws have embraced me and treat me as daughter and Tyler’s siblings think of me as a sister- I never had siblings since I was an only child. Between work, family, and friends, I have so many people I can turn to.

Tyler just woke up and is mad that he slept in. We both have to go to the gym, and do house chores before our date night. We’re going to a botanical garden to see the “Garden Glow” tonight.

Now that I’ve finished my coffee, I think I may make a mimosa. We should have some cheap brut and orange juice and I don’t have to work today.

We have a lot to look forward to. Even though life isn’t how I pictured it back when I thought 30 was old, life is good.

Until next time, cheers 🥂🍾

PHOTO CREDIT TO AMANDA SOMERVILLE PHOTOGRAPHY

The Villain

Hard Stuff, RelationshipsWrite a comment

There’s a song that came on my Top Country Radio the other day that I couldn’t help but listen to on repeat. The song was “Villain” by Lily Rose.

It was the chorus that struck me.

“You can be the hero, I can take the fall
If that’s how your story goes, say it’s all my fault
Whatever helps you sleep at night
Yeah, you can make me the bad guy
Make ’em all believe it
If that’s how you’re feeling
I can be the villain”

I looked up the definition of a villain on Miriam-Webster:

1: a character in a story or play who opposes the hero

2: a deliberate scoundrel or criminal

3: one blamed for a particular evil or difficulty

This chorus made me realize how rarely people acknowledge their own shortcomings at the end of a relationship. Especially when the pain is new, white-hot and raw.

Everyone has their own narrative inside their head. In turn, it makes sense that feelings on who’s at fault for something falling apart will differ between each person. Even if they were both there in the same situations, fights, and the stupid words said that led to an impasse. Besides, who ever really wants to admit its their fault or they did something wrong? It’s much easier to blame the other person, be the victim, rather than admit we’re not perfect and sometimes we hurt people intentionally or not.

I’ve always been one to readily admit my faults, however, I’m also ruthlessly stubborn. We walk away from experiences and emotions with one side of the story, one point of view. Yes, while theres some accuracy to our own narrative, its also a very narrow-minded view. It made me think “Whose story am I the villain in? Nobody is the villain in their own story. We’re all the hero in our own story”. But then I thought the other persons perspective of a situation, with the right storytelling, you’ll be the villain in someone else’s movie. Even if you’ve never had a romantic relationship end you’re the bad guy in someone’s point of view from some interaction you had with them whether it be a coworker, friend, family member, or even acquaintance.

I’ve always loved fairy-tales and happily ever after (I leave a trail of pixie dust wherever I go) so the concept of a villain deeply intrigues me. When most people think of a villain they thing of a Disney, Marvel, or Harry Potter character. The fact, is the concept of a villain is just based on the basic reality of humanity. Even going back further you can see the idea rooted in most religions.

So that begs the question. Can you accept the concept that you’re not perfect? That maybe just maybe that thing you were/are mad about wasn’t just someone else’s fault. Maybe you had a hand in it? That most likely somewhere out there someone doesn’t like you, and guess what? To them they have a perfectly valid reason why, just like you have a perfectly valid reason why you’ve been hurt by other people.

This post is a long time coming, I’ve been contemplating these thoughts for about a year. But these thoughts have made me a better person. They’ve helped me grow, forgive people, move on from the past, and be a better partner, daughter, and friend.

Trust me, I have villains in my life story. But the truth is, I wouldn’t be the person I am today had they not come into my life. I’ve fought my own battles with metaphorical dragons and I came out stronger. I forgive the villains in my life, for myself. It’s not healthy to hold onto those feelings. Holding on to negativity is just poisoning yourself every day. I got tired of being Snow White biting the apple.

It’s on you to let things go, and choose to move on and be better for it. Closure is a scam. It just doesn’t exist. There will always be things left undone, unsaid or things either party would like to go back and redo or not say. But life isn’t a movie, there no magic spell or time-turner, no rewind button. I truly believe the better way to look at closure is the end of a chapter, and the beginning of a new better chapter.

Until next time, cheers 🥂🍾

“A mentor is someone who sees more talent and ability within you, than you see in yourself, and helps bring it out of you”-Bob Proctor

Friends, Work3 Comments

Pre-Covid, I made a giant career change. Before my move, I spent years and moved up the ladder quickly in the hospitality industry. I worked 90+ hours a week and moved things heavier than myself. I loved it, but it wasn’t sustainable. It was a decade (well, almost) of go-go-go and high adrenaline just getting the job done. However, I came to the realization that there are seasons in your life. That one season you can be living off of no-sleep, work, and coffee. You can’t live there, your soul needs time to recover. I wanted something that gave me weekends, time-off, the ability to live. My goals in life weren’t in sync with my lifestyle.

Swallowing my ego, I gave up being a director in my mid-twenties to become an associate at a 9-5 job with benefits. Knowing that there was still the option to plan events and drink wine for fun, I got a corporate ID and walked through the doors of a Fortune 500 company.

Never would I have imagined that I would be in the job I’m at now. But I believe that God has a plan, sometimes life doesn’t work out how you expected or even how you wanted but you need to just follow it. I went through what was essentially a paid university crash course in my new industry. I was paired with a tenured associated to learn on the job.

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m pretty bold, outgoing, and genuinely am typically very talkative. But I bet you that nobody at my new job thought that about me when I first started. I remember the first time I walked out to the floor to meet my mentor and her supervisor. I’m pretty sure I almost cried. I was terrified. My mentor’s supervisor tried to break me out of my shell by asking me about my previous experience in the wine industry. Can’t remember exactly what I said, however, I can confidently say I’m pretty sure my answer wasn’t a full coherent sentence.

While I was thoroughly embarrassed, the next week when I went to my mentoring session I got better. My mentor’s supervisor (who from this point on we’ll call Ladybug for anonymity purposes) was warm, kind, strong, and eventually broke through my cocoon and I realized we had a lot in common.

As luck would have it, once I completed my training (with flying colors), I was moved into Ladybug’s section. Calculating the odds of that are very hard but I like to think that it was fate. Walking from the managers office after I was told Ladybug would be my supervisor was an odd experience. My memory flickered back to the first time I met Ladybug; when I was trying to find my way back to my classroom through the rows of cubicles. As I was walking back, I thought “I hope she becomes my supervisor”. I knew I had acted like a deer in the headlights but she still cared enough to reach out and that’s what I wanted in a boss. To be totally honest I also found it hysterical when this bubbly woman would ruffle feathers and show someone she wouldn’t back down and she had a spine. I wanted so bad to be like her.

It was an exciting but scary time, I had great success in my previous career and it was hard to go back down a level. I was also terrified I wouldn’t do well, I wouldn’t be able to adapt to cubicle life after walking 10 miles a day, or be able to handle the job. I prayed a lot during that time.

On January 8, 2020, I walked into the building for the fourth month in a row with all the things to decorate my cubicle. I had string lights, a Himalayan salt lamp, pictures, artwork, a lot of cat stuff, and a special mug. It was awesome. It was chic. And I had a “home”. Less than three months later I packed it all up to work from home.

I’m a dark horse, I’m a rockstar at my job. I’m the G.O.A.T. (according to some of my coworkers). I have a very demanding role that is measured in every which way you can think of. Due to my ethics, my perfectionism, and my workaholism, I became and maintain my spot as a top adjuster in my department. I couldn’t have become that without Ladybug’s coaching and support.

It’s wonderful to have a boss that you know will stand behind you. A boss who is willing to give up part of herself to make you better. A boss who works her butt off as hard if not harder than you. A boss that wants you to succeed at work and outside of it. A boss who during the pandemic sent us “treats” via mail.

Despite her responsibilities and meetings, she takes at least an hour out of her work to teach everyone on her team. I can’t tell you how much of a blessing that is. I can’t thank her enough for how much she’s helped me grow professionally and personally.

I am so grateful to God for bringing her in my life. She is one of my biggest cheerleaders, she’s also the first person to call me and tell me I screwed up royally (and trust me she does).

The key to success is someone who pushes you to be better. It’s tough love because they see the potential in you. It’s when I call her after work hours about something at work, and she tells me to turn of my computer and have a shot of whiskey because I think too much.

When I started my new job, I never imagined it would lead me to meet one of the most influential and important people in my life. She’s a rock, a faith leader, she’s one of the first people I tell things to in my life. She’s helped create the woman I am and the woman I’m becoming.

I write this because you never understand the influences you have on others. Sometimes people come into your life for a moment, a day, or a lifetime. But it doesn’t matter the time they spend with you, rather it matters how they impacted your life in the time they’ve spent. Many people come and go in seasons, but the important ones are the ones who bring out the best in you. They are rare, amazing people who remind you why life’s worth it.

Until next time, cheers 🥂🍾

“Shine Bright”

Family, Hard Stuff, lifeWrite a comment

“Lindsay’s back” said Samantha, my hair stylist of ten+ years as she was blow drying the bangs I’ve been trying to grow out for God knows how long… To be honest my relationship with her has lasted longer than most of my jobs, friendships, and every single romantic relationship. She knows more about me and my life than probably some of my friends. When she said that, it hit me.

Life is a whirlwind, the only constant is change, the unexpected happens and you’re never ready for it when it does. Time doesn’t stand still, the world continues on no matter what you’re feeling or going through with or without people in your life. I’m evolving everyday.

Reflecting on the past decade, many things have happened, extraordinary experiences, memories with people I love, successes, failures, losses, and heartbreaks in so many different ways. I’m sitting here with Oreo and Bellatrix, finishing a post I started December 4th, 2019,  after my hair appointment when I realized I’d begun to embrace change rather than fear it.

I originally started this post to talk about how I finally felt like myself again, I’m happy, I’m strong, I’ve overcome and am overcoming struggles. I’m working to be the person I want to be and I count my wins instead of obsessing over my failures. I am grateful for the things I have rather than stress about what I don’t. I’m on my own timeline and don’t compare myself to other people, God has a different path for everyone. The hard parts in my life have made me strong. I’m healthy. I’m starting to be that optimistic, bubbly, happy person I was. I’ll never be the same, I’ve bloomed. Like a flower blooms.

There’s nothing more painful than losing yourself or more beautiful than beginning to find yourself again. However, I don’t like the terms “losing myself” or “finding myself”. my thoughts on the matter a very well summed up by a quote from Ms. Emily McDowell; “Finding yourself” is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. “Finding yourself” is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.”

I never truly lost myself.  I was stuck in what I thought I should be, what I thought the world wanted me to be. The unrealistic expectations I set for myself and not met, I’m a planner and I never expected the roadblocks on the way to my goals. I had to learn to readjust my way of thinking. To realize that to get what I need and want to become, I just find a different path. A setback is a yield sign or a detour, not a dead end. I’m a completely different person today than I was in 2009, 2018, the beginning of this year, or even 25 days ago when I started this post. I hit another roadblock this month. But patience and time are the key to any battle.

I’m staring at a bracelet on my left wrist, it’s delicate, simple, one charm. A star. On the back of that star it’s engraved with “shine bright”. My grandmother sent my aunt out to go purchase my cousin and I matching bracelets before Christmas. She saw it and immediately thought of us because we were her stars and she wanted us to always have that message if we needed it. It was the last gift my grandmother gave me.

Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was great love. I’m lucky to have be loved and been loved by so many people. Some of which I have had to deeply grieve over. However, I will never let tears mar the smiles and memories that they gave me when they were alive. None of them wanted me to be upset, they all wanted to be celebrated. They live on every day through me and always will.

Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but openings where loved ones can let us know they are happy.

Ring in the new decade shining bright. Happy New Year!

Until next time, cheers. 🥂🍾

 

Black Coffee. Red Wine. Repeat.

lifeWrite a comment

I started drinking coffee in high school. It was mostly cream and sugar with a splash of coffee. In college, I got my gold card at Starbucks. Caramel Machiattos and Vanilla lattes were my go to. Then working 80+ hours and little sleep it then became a Americano or anything with an extra shot of espresso. Now, I do enjoy a special drink once in a while, however my daily cup is simple; black. No fluff.

If you had told me ten years ago, I’d be drinking a cup of black coffee everyday; I’d have thought you were crazy. I felt so special and adult-like carrying my “McCafe” into high school. But I didn’t like the taste of the main ingredient itself. It was the image and the feeling it gave me.

When I turned 21, I could drink a bottle of Moscato or Riesling. However, I couldn’t stand a sip of the lightest bodied red. Now I’d rather have the complex notes, nose, and feel of a full bodied Petit Verdot than a light and sugary easy-to-drink white.

It’s interesting how my palate has changed along with the growth and changes in my life. I’m less interested in the image that I present and more into the characteristics. It seems that over time as my focus, morals, and I, myself have evolved, so have my tastes to reflect that. Simple, yet refined with some character and flair; similar to my personality.

For now at least, black coffee, red wine, repeat…. well, throw in champagne to mix it up once in a while. 😉

Until next time, cheers! 🥂🍾

Cat Lady: a redefinition

Cats, HealthWrite a comment

Cat lady, a pejorative term typically used for single women who have cats. I fit into Urban Dictionary’s top definition of cat lady in many ways. Oreo and Bellatrix do bring me happiness. I take pictures of them, talk and write about them, and proudly carry a kate spade new york Cat’s Meow Lottie Satchel. My family, friends, and coworkers would jokingly, albeit somewhat serious, call me one.

There will always be certain stigmas about cats and the people who have them and the cat person versus dog person debate. I’ve always wondered why western society has labeled women with cats as “crazy cat lady” while our counterparts with dogs don’t have an equivalent characterization associated with them? To be clear, the point of this post is not to say owning a cat versus a dog makes you more or less intelligent, caring, introverted or outgoing. It’s not to disparage dogs or “dog people”, I want a dog one day. It’s to express why Oreo and Bella mean so much to me and give people more understanding of why so many people choose cats as pets and maybe break some of the stigmas.

Studies show many great things about cats, they have a lower carbon footprint than other animas since they consume more fish over red meat and corn based food. Cats are good for your health, they lower your risk of dying from a heart attack or stroke by 30% and being introduced to them at a young age lowers a risk of developing allergies and asthma. They lower stress levels and help you cope. Even watching videos of cats on youtube supposedly lowers negative emotions, while increasing energy and positive feelings according to a study done by the Indiana University Bloomington. My cats can tell when I’m upset or sick and won’t leave my side, a type of loyalty many people don’t associate with cats since they are known to be aloof. Simply petting them and hearing them purr, knowing they wait by the door for me to come home makes me feel better.

The University of Bristol did a study that showed a cat owner is more likely to have a college degree than a dog owner. Another study of 600 students showed that cat owners are typically more “introverted, open-minded, sensitive…. non conformists and scored higher on intelligence than dog owners”. Do I think these supposed personality traits of cat owners are true across the board or that I’m more intelligent than someone that owns a dog? No. Cats are inherently easier to take care of than dogs, they don’t need to go out and socialize like a dog does. I believe many of these statistics about a cat person versus a dogs person’s “personality traits” comes down to people’s lifestyles.

Individuals who choose cats as their companions can work longer hours and not have to worry about the attention a dog needs. Cats are independent. I can work a 10-14 hour shift at work or even go away for a weekend and know as long as their water fountain is full, litter box is clean, and extra food is out, my cats will be fine. A dog owner has to worry about a walking a dog, making sure they get enough exercise, they need more space and typically are less happy in an apartment than a cat is. These are many of the reasons why I have cats instead of a dog, I don’t believe it’s fair to keep a dog in a crate while I’m at work or text my roommate and ask her to take the dog out because xyz came up. My animals are my responsibility and I don’t like putting the burden on others. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love a Shetland Sheepdog or a Golden Retriever. However, cats are right for my lifestyle right now. Plus, I think my roommate may murder me if I brought home another animal, I swear she spends half her life with a lint roller and yelling “Oreo”.

I grew up with cats, my parents were busy and we didn’t have a yard for a dog. It was extremely difficult to lose the cats I had growing up, since they became part of the family, a part of me, a part of my heart. Every cat has a different personality like people and you learn their idiosyncrasies, meows, routines. When you lose them you feel like you lose a part of yourself. Taking on a pet is a courageous thing, you’re agreeing to spend a lot of money and time with an animal, learn them, love them, give them the best life you can give them for as long as possible while trying not to be selfish.

After two years, I know Oreo and Bellatrix well. We have our routines, I know their noises and their wants and they seem to know mine. Their bond with each other amazes me. I’ve never seen two cats so close. They know how to get on my nerves (and my roommates), but they also know how to be deeply loving and comforting when I need them to. So yes, I’m a cat lady and proud of it.

Until next time, cheers. 🥂🍾

Reflections on a Vintage Skirt

Family, Fashion, lifeWrite a comment

“I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles”- Audrey Hepburn

Vintage has been a large part of my style since college. Wiggle dresses, swing dresses, wool skirt, sweaters, Malco Modes petticoats, pearls, and my trusty pair of Mary-Jane pumps are some of my favorite pieces. Most people would just say I’m quirky and want to stand out with my hair in victory curls and dressed to the nines.

There’s more to it than me just being quirky. Going through my closet and seeing my vintage Pendleton skirts amongst other items from so long ago, made me think about why it’s an important part of my wardrobe.

It reminds me of the pictures I found of my grandmothers from the 1950’s. It was connection with them in a world where there weren’t many things we could connect with. My grandma would tell me about how I reminded her of when she was my age (or younger) and she had a petticoat in every color. Papa would say “Young lady, you just gave me a flashback to when I was in high school and all the girls were dressed up”.

It’s a different world today than the world my grandparents, parents, or even I grew up in. It makes me wonder how different the world will be for any future children and grandchildren I may have. There are pros and cons to how the world, daily life, society, and mentality have evolved over the years. I’m a mid-twenties career woman with two cats, a 401k, Netflix, and an iPhone. I’m not a married, I don’t have 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence, and a dog; things that were expected of a woman at my age during the time these pieces in my wardrobe were made.

Amongst other progressions, I’m fortunate to live in a time where it’s acceptable for woman to carve a future, become educated, become C.E.O.s, and have their own money. I don’t want to rely on a man to pay for me. I don’t mind doing “wifey” stuff, but I don’t want a man to expect that of me or ever tell me to go make a sandwich. I’d never not want a job.

However, there’s something to be said about some of the lifestyle ideals of the past. The American Dream. A nuclear family, living close to extended relatives and taking care of one another, home cooked dinners together every night, conservative clothing, working hard, and going to church on Sunday. Many of those ideals, things my grandparents and parents grew up with just aren’t here anymore. With our busy schedules, traveling, Chinese take-out, and Instagram.

Would I want to live in the ’50s? No. I’m happy with who I am and where I am in life. Granted, one day I would like to be married if I find the right man and maybe even possibly have kids. But society has accepted that it’s ok to not settle, to get married in your late twenties or thirties or even not get married at all. Women are now encouraged to be independent and strong. Women are expected to go to college, not for an Mrs. degree, but for a career. We can now do jobs that used to be only available to men.

My mother and grandmothers were/are strong, independent women. I aspire to be even half of the women they were/are. Resilient, no matter how tough the times were without giving up on the hope that things would get better. And without letting the negative ruin their lives or their spirits. Without turning bitter, unable to love, or shutting the world away as so many people do. Women who chose happiness. Women who tried to teach me to do the same. For that, I’m forever grateful.

In many ways I’m happy with the way society has shaped our mentality toward lifestyles and what is acceptable. My life wouldn’t be possible without the changes in the past sixty years. But I can’t help but question, out of everything that our society and western culture has gained, what did we lose along the way? Can I pass down family traditions, like previous generations? Will any possible future children care to get to know and connect with me like I did with my parents and grandparents? Or will social media, future societal evolutions, ideas, and the pace of tomorrow’s world have the next generation too focused on themselves and what they can do for Instagram likes to realize what they can learn from my generation or my parents?

Until next time, Cheers. 🥂🍾

#marilynmonroevibes